Letter B

Blarghity!

Good God, my house is a wreck right now. And please trust me, when I say my house is a wreck, I mean it. I'm not the kind of person who says her house is a mess when there is dust in the corners or a couple dishes in the sink. Oh no, you can be sure that if I say it's bad, it's BAD, and not good-bad but bad-bad. Of course if I am typing away here that means I'm not doing anything about it. Some days I wish that all I wanted in life was to be housewife with young children. Then I think I might be better at it. Or at the very least the laundry would be done more frequently. But unfortunately I have the Internet. And the Internet reminds me, daily, that there are many, many, many things I would rather be doing than scrubbing the bathtub. And if I can't go out and do them then, by gum, I will read about it instead. It would be so much easier if it was the Fifties and I could just take some tranquillizers, turn on Lawrence Welk and Hoover the place from top to bottom in my pearls and heels. Goddamn feminism had to go and ruin it all.

Willa has passed the six month mark. I feel like that is impossible but I am checking the calendar, and yes, she is indeed six months. Almost seven. She is sitting up, eating solids now, and constantly babbling about God knows what. She chose to celebrate her six-month birthday by refusing the bottle. We had been doing just fine with it until a couple weeks ago and now she will not take a drop no matter how we beg and cajole. Next I mix Hershey's syrup with breast milk and see if that works. Seriously though - any of you had this happen? What do I do? At least I see the light at the end of the breastfeeding tunnel at this point but still hoping someone has a trick to share.

Just a reminder to you non-horseracing fanatics out there. This Saturday is the first Saturday in May, aka Kentucky Derby day. I will be holding another contest to pick the money horses starting Thursday. Check back for details. Mmm... I don't know about you but there's nothing quite like that fidgety compulsive betting sensation!

Pressure Drop

You know how the Universe is never supposed to give you more than you can handle? Well the Universe is really pushing the envelope these days. I had one of those weeks where if I was in any other job, be it medicine, law or business I might say "Oh to hell with the student loan debt and the lost years and the peer disapproval, I'm outta here." But there is no getting out of this parenting gig as much as I wish some days I could quit. Or at least get a freaking lunch break.

I am so frustrated because I still have not learned the lesson that I am NOT IN CHARGE. That parenting is about an exact a science as dandelion blowing and no amount of book reading or late night Googling is ever going to give me THE ANSWER. (I apologize for the all caps but they are necessary today). I keep thinking that with enough time I will find the right technique or the use the perfect words and *poof* it will all be easier. I don't even want perfect, I just want easier. But then I have days like today where Lowell tests every inch of me and I fail repeatedly and I just want to go into a hole and stay there for a few days but, oh yeah, I have a baby to nurse and hopefully make eye contact with today. And the dog needs to be fed. I am sure many of you out there have moments like this. When you realize that no matter how good a mom you want to be you will always fall short because that's what being a human is all about. Please just know that at that moment when you sit your kid in front of Diego or Backyardigans just so you can have a few minutes to cry your eyes out at the kitchen table that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am doing it too.

Did I also mention that I have a head cold? Not helping my general mood. My sinuses are so bad that at one moment today I actually felt an atmospheric shift in pressure IN MY FACE. I was walking from one room to the other this morning and suddenly my head felt like it was inside an airplane at takeoff. It was very, very, very weird. And because I am a weather geek and check the forecast first thing in the morning I knew that a front was moving through and I thought, well, should be raining soon. And then, good golly, it did. Behold, it is I, the human barometer.

My Favorite Fool

Here are my favorite pranks of the day in reverse order of awesomeness:

3. Rickrolling reached it's apogee. It's all shark jumping from here on out.

2. Martha Stewart totally got me on her craft of the day. I was like "Hmmm... I don't know, beans? Really?" before I realized it had to be a prank.

1. My sister taped that clear window plastic insulating film on the outside of her two boys' bedroom doors while they were sleeping. They woke up in the morning and went to walk out their doors as usual and bonked right into it. Her 9 year old walked into it twice he was so confused. Fricking brilliant. So sad it was not caught on tape.

You might wonder "What drives a grown woman to stay up all night silently taping clear plastic film on her child's bedroom door?" Well, 30-some years ago that woman was born today. Kara takes her April Fool's pranking very seriously. I'm just glad I don't live with her anymore. Happy Birthday Kara!