We're back from our trip out for Pap's funeral. For what it was, it was a very good trip. Lowell brought a bit of sunshine into all the proceedings and I think he helped everybody cope a little bit better. You know, circle of life and all that. It did help that he was unbearably cute with his grandparents and his great-granny and had very few fearsome toddler moments. Not that that would have mattered to them. They worship the ground he floats above (as is entirely their right). Matthew spoke at the memorial and gave a very tender and loving farewell. It chokes me up just thinking about it. So it was good, for all those reasons. And thank you for the nice comments and emails. You Internets friends are something else.
What was not so good is how freaking bummed I was to come back to my new house, town and life. One of the best things about going somewhere is that eventually you get to come home and that has always been a relief for me, no matter how fabulous the adventure. But this time I came home and wanted to cry the second we drove up. I noticed when we were away that when I would think about home I had to keep mentally correcting myself because I would initially think about our apartment in Brooklyn. I guess that my brain has not reset the "home" image when accessing from remote locations. "Hmm... this is a little disorienting," I thought, "but surely, I'll still be happy to get back to our new house." Well, I wasn't (and quit calling me Shirley). I was sad and mopey and cranky. In that order. Over and over again. I am feeling a little better now, but the overwhelming sense of upheaval, disorder and lonliness is crowding out all the happy. It's there, in small bursts, but mainly I have a big-ass cloud over my head right now and the gloom is stifling. I really hate writing about this stuff because it sounds so whiney and self-indulgent (uh, unlike my other posts I guess) but I can't really think about anything else right now so, here it is.
In other news, Lowell made his first pun the other day. He loves to alert me to the passing trains nearby by echoing "choo, choo!" to their lonesome call. Now it is one of his favorite things to say whether there is a train in the vicinity or not. After stuffing his mouth with a critical mass amount of banana the other day I pleaded with him to chew, which he complied with by doing this little chattering fake chewing he does. Then, as I watched, this little lightbulb went off over his head (seriously, i saw it) and he shouted "chew! chew!" (It was actually more like "khluooh khluooh" with all that banana in his mouth but I understood). I nearly wept with joy. He has inherited the family punning gene. Woe be to all his future friends, enemies and spouses. And woe be to you, Gentle Reader, because this is probably just the tip of the cringing iceberg.
I love that, in the middle of grief, you can pause to crack a joke from the movie "Airplane". You're amazing.
Posted by: wordgirl | July 22, 2006 at 01:44 AM
I think we, all of us, frequently underestimate how big a life stressor moving is. We think it's mostly a logistics issue: packing, transporting, unpacking, filling out change of address forms, etc. But it's so much more than that. Our home is, like it or not, an extension of ourselves. It's our cocoon. It's where we feel safe and at home (or it should be). And when that place changes, it takes a long time to readjust the relevant parts of our identity. This is magnified many-fold (manifold?) when that move involves going from renter to owner and then also from city grrl to country mouse. I still have buyers remorse on my house, and I've owned it for five years.
All of which is a long-winded way of saying that what you're going through (so far as I can tell) is perfectly normal. That doesn't make it any easier, I suppose (being in pain after being hit by a car is normal, after all, though being told this isn't all that comforting), but perhaps knowing that this is a phase that we all pass through and come out happy(ish) on the other side of is somewhat helpful.
On the other hand, I'm currently stressing out over the big bucks I have to pay to have my basement waterproofed, so what the hell do I know.
Feel better.......
OP
Posted by: Ohio Philosopher | July 24, 2006 at 01:47 PM
I say, the thing to do at a time like this is surely to post current pics on this blog! Yeah??
Posted by: NHSchwartz | July 25, 2006 at 01:49 PM
The 'airplane' quote is more a testiment to my raging OCD - i can't help myself. ;)
Thanks OP for the support. It does help a little bit to be cognizant that what I am going through is normal. Not as much as merlot, but it's up there. Thank you for the pep talk.
NH - good idea. He is killing me right now with the cuteness so I am quite happy to oblige.
Posted by: LetterB | July 25, 2006 at 11:45 PM
I feel the same way about this house we're moving OUT of. It's stripped of everything personal so that it has a kind-of Embassy Suites feeling to it. You need to meet some people, I think. And get out of the house, even if it means putting off unpacking. It's much harder to be home with kids in suburbia. It's very isolating and can sneak up on you and make you damn depressed if you don't have friends. How bout that for a real upper of a comment.
And I'd like to see the Cuteness in all its preternatural glory as well. Lowell, I mean.
(And also, for what it's worth, I see Typepad swallowed my comment on your last post, so I'll say a belated I'm sorry. I'm glad for babies too in times like that. Mine probably get so sick of the desperate mommy snuggles when I get bad news. Ah well, they gotta pay their rent somehow.)
Posted by: Mignon | July 26, 2006 at 12:56 AM
Well, glad to have you back. I find, too, that babies and little tykes make these kinds of things a little easier to tolerate.
Hope you feel better soon.
Posted by: supa | July 26, 2006 at 11:22 AM
Hmmm, if getting out of the house means I get to put off unpacking then I am ALL for it. I am slowly getting out. It's harder than I thought it would be. And thanks for the good wishes - Lowell is the spot of sunshine in all this stuff. I will be posting pictures soon. Just trying to figure out the pros and cons of flickr vs. albums here. Sometimes Flickr kind of freaks me out, the very public nature of it, but I love the features.
Posted by: LetterB | July 27, 2006 at 10:55 PM