Letter B

Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures

I thought I'd post a few of our latest pictures of Lowell since it's been awhile. You can click on the pic at left for more. The title of this post is from an article that again shows that The Onion is one of the few sites out there that actually publishes the truth (thanks must go to BelgianWaffle from whom I shamelessly stole the reference).

Fear Not

Last week I noticed that Lowell seemed to be looking up a lot more. At the light fixtures, at the ceiling fan, the birds on his bedroom wall. And he was starting to make funny faces too, including rolling his eyes. Since he can already raise one eyebrow rolling his eyes seemed like the natural progression given the wiseass genes on my side. I even mentioned it to Matthew and we both thought he had figured out something new and was doing it over and over again. His usual M.O., like most toddlers. Then a few nights ago while he was eating we both watched as his eyes fluttered up into almost the back of his head then snapped back. We both looked at each other; this was wrong. Some minutes later we watched as it happened again while he was standing in front of us. He frowned, his eyes flitted upwards and then he looked up. I realized that all this week the looking up may have been involuntary. I felt suddenly completely unmoored.

We weren't sure what to do. He was so otherwise normal that it really didn't seem like he was in imminent danger. He did not even seem to notice when it was happening and since it had probably been occuring for a few days we decided to wait until the morning to call the doctor. When we did talk to the pediatrician on call the next day she said that as long as he was alert throughout the event that it probably was not seizure activity but to be on the look out for those signs. She asked us to capture the movement on video and then bring him in. We were able to get quite a few examples on tape before naptime. We plugged the camera into the tv to watch the footage after getting him down for his nap and each time I saw his little face change and then the eyes flick up by themselves my heart would stop and I would have the distinct sensation that the top of my head was on fire. I was really trying not to panic but of course I had done some internet searches the night before that were haunting me. (I know that is the worst thing to do but I couldn't stop myself - I'll spare you some of the possible diagnoses - let's just say most were not good). We got in to see the pediatrician later that afternoon and she was concerned enough to refer us to a pediatric neurologist the next day. Somehow the neurologist squeezed us in on a Friday afternoon (for which I will be forever grateful since a weekend without at least talking to a specialist would have been torture). He spent some time examining Lowell, watching the video tape and asking us lots of questions. His opinion was that this was the presentation of a classic motor tic - involuntary facial movement that was not seizure related and sometimes occured after exposure to a virus, especially strep. That while it was rarer to see it in a 16-month old it was not that unusual and would most likely be gone in a few months. We were both so relieved that we nearly hugged him. We headed home with much lighter hearts. Never has riding the Lexington line with a stroller at rush hour felt so good.

I know that this is nothing in the annals of child health scares. There was no rushing to the emergency room, there was no 911 call. There was no waiting months for a diagnosis or worse, getting very bad news.  It was very scary but we had a definitve diagnosis within 48 hours that turned out to be benign. Still, I did not stop praying, bargaining, or quietly freaking the f*ck out for one minute of those hours. For that brief time all the color was bleached out of our life by the worry that there was a serious neurological problem. I watched Lowell like a hawk and every little thing he did was suddenly suspect. My ordinary toddler now seemed different; he was in danger and I felt every cell in my body poised to protect him. As soon as we were told that it was most likely nothing to worry about I went off alert but I still feel a little uneasy because I have been reminded again of our absolute vulnerablity when it comes to his well being. I am so relieved and happy that he is okay but it makes me so fearful of what could be around the corner. I know that these are the things that can teach you to live in the moment but they often have the opposite effect on me. I think it might be a little while before I feel on even keel again.

LetterB.com, she is mine!

When I first named this blog I checked to see if "letterb.com" was available. It wasn't - gobbled up by one of those url clearinghouses that want you to pay them to release specific addresses. I was a little disappointed, but it wasn't a big deal since who knew if I would stick to this whole blogging thing anyway. I did notice when I checked out the registry that it might become available in 2006 if the company didn't renew it. The other day I checked on an impulse and lo and behold it was available. I am now the proud owner of letterb.com (which I also was able to point to my Typepad account - can you tell i am impressed with my technical prowess?). Check it!

The March of Madness

I really wanted to write a post for saint patrick's day but I didn't get around to it. Perhaps this is because I am a lazy mick. Or perhaps it was because I was sooooo drunk the whole day. I don't know. As It turns out, I didn't need to bother because feral mom wrote the g*ddamned funniest post ever about it. Please go read this.

March Madness has descended on the household. I myself did not fill out brackets this year because the whole thing seems pointless without an office pool. Matthew is in a pool at his work but I couldn't horn in on it, so, again, pointless. It is a nice release in a way because I can watch the games without caring who wins (which means I can actually turn the TV off for a few hours). Matthew hasn't crumpled his brackets in a fit of rage yet so I think he's still doing okay. Lowell is getting a lot of exposure to car and beer commercials, which, because they rarely feature Elmo, seem not to interest him. (Speaking of Elmo, my sister gave us bunch of her old videos when she was up and we are now the proud owners of "Elmopalooza," a Sesame Street video from circa 1998. The premise is an awards-type tv show with all the Sesame Street regulars and their very special host, Jon Stewart. Really. Not kidding. He even sings in the finale while doing a combination of the cabbage patch and the white man's overbite. It is priceless. Keep on the lookout for it at a yard sale near you). As it stands, there isn't one team left that I have even the remotest emotional attachment to so I will be snoring my way through the rest of the tournament. I can only root on my husband's picks in the interest of marital harmony. (Go, you Huskies!) I pray your pools are going better, or even that you are rightly paying no attention at all to this silly mass ritual.

Three Things About Meme

I have been tagged by Jess (i think) to do this meme. Enjoy!

Three things you wish for (just for you):
1. robot babysitter/maid/cook
2. ambition and a type A personality (or the cessation of desire for worldly comforts - whichever)
3. my sister to move in next door

Three things you would do to/for yourself if there was no one to judge you (or if you had the guts to do it!):
1. sample viagra
2. get calf and ankle transplants
3. burn everything in my closet and spend a sh*tload of money on a completely new wardrobe

Three bad habits you have:
1. beer
2. rage
3. a horrible potty-mouth

Three insecurities you feel:
1. feel inadequate a lot
2. often feel unloved in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary
3. some days absolutely sure i am going to f*ck up my kid

Three talents/skills you wish you had:
1. interior decorating and carpentry
2. ability to drive like the main character in "The Transporter"
3. healing powers

Three things that you would do if you had more time:
1. surf
2. read
3. fight the power

Three things that bring you peace/relaxation:
1. making something pretty
2. being alone in the outdoors, especially the woods or the beach
3. sleeping in with my husband

Three things that spark your creativity:
1. my family
2. poetry
3. deadlines

Hello Stranger

I had a really nice visit today with my friend Mary and her brand spanking new son Evan. At some point when she was locked in that new mom gaze with him I asked her "Can you believe that he's outside of you?" She looked at me and said emphatically "No. It's so weird. I have to keep reminding myself that he's the same person who was in there." That to me is the strangest thing about this whole ride - that this being, whom you carry inside you, whom, if you're lucky, you watch emerge from you, is still such a stranger. As much as you get to know them during those nine months it's a whole new ballgame when they are on the outside. In those first few weeks I kept looking at Lowell and saying to myself, "Who are you? How did you get here? And how the hell does this actually work that I know I am going to do whatever it takes to keep you alive when I just met you?"

Matthew and I have this bit that we do sometimes - one of us will look at Lowell and then stage whisper to the other one "He's still here! What the hell?" the other one answers "I know! Every night it's the same thing - 'hey, can I crash here again?' God! He eats our all our food, he makes us wipe his a**, this is ridiculous!" The thing that makes this schtick funny (at least to us) is that in many ways it is like this guy just showed up and here we are, the suckers. It's wonderful that he looks like us, and great that he has these funny family characteristics, but honestly, I really feel like if a stork had dropped him on our fire escape I'd be just as in love. That I completely bonded with and love this human being on faith and, alright, maybe some hormones, is nuts. (Of course I used to dress my adopted chihuahua mutt in a tiny homemade hula skirt/lei combo and think it was totally normal behavior so I may not be the best example...) If I was religious maybe this phenomenon would make more sense. Or at least I would have the benefit of a belief system that would help me cope. If I was strictly rational, I could probably just accept it as evolution's method for keeping our species around. I am neither, so I will continue to just sit in my corner marveling at this big beautiful plum I pulled out of the pie. How I got so lucky I will never know.

Nested Stacking Blocks Rock

I know I just had another post like this recently but I just cannot express to you how incredible the loved toy is these days. A loved toy gives me almost 10 minutes to get something done. (Do you know how much I can do in 10 minutes these days? Time is wasted on the slackers, I tell you). Or the loved toy gives me a small block of time to simply sit, unassaulted, on the couch and refuel for the next bout of toddlermania. These days it is the nested stacking blocks set I got on sale at TJ Maxx that has brought me this incomperable joy. I can only wax rhapsodic and sing its praises. Literally:

Ahem.

(to the tune of "O Christmas Tree")

O stacking blocks,
O stacking blocks,
You are my new-found savior,
O stacking blocks,
O stacking blocks,
For toddler good behavior.
Lowell stacks you up,
Then knocks you down.
Nests you for hours
Without a sound!
O stacking blocks,
O stacking blocks,
You are my new found savior.
You teach him words,
Like "kite" and "bee,"
If you weren't inanimate,
I'd marry thee.
(with feeling:)
O stacking blocks,
O staaaacking blooooooooooocks,
You are my new found saaaaaaviooooooor!!!

Thank you.

Boo hoo

Ugh. I just wrote a big long post about being sad and depressed and I was so sick of myself by the end of it that I just nuked the whole thing in order to spare you. My sister just left after a wonderful visit and it always makes me very weepy because I love her so much and it is really painful to live far away from her. We're also stressed to hell around here over the move. And I've decided to give up on the idea of Ambien now that we're car owners again. The thought of having to drive on a regular basis is totally freaking me out and should be striking fear in the heart of every driver in the tri-state area. The only reason Geico isn't on to me is that I haven't actually driven more than six or seven times in the last 15 years. They actually gave me a good driver discount. Ha!

Let me take this moment to tell you all that although I am a bundle of stress about our impending relocation I am happy that we are doing this. Our families are making it possible - we could not do this on our own - and we're very grateful for their generosity and support. Although I am going to be complaining (a lot) about this difficult life change I want to make sure that it isn't interpreted as ingratitude. I am just a sensitive lass and these kind of things put me through a major wringer. I am going to try to not take myself too seriously although i tend towards the maudlin even on good days. I know in the big picture everything is fine and is going to be okay. It's just that some days i cannot even see the trees let alone the forest. God, I'm doing it again - someone please just tell me to have some warm milk and go to bed.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  Aaaaaaaaah! Aaah! (via I Blame The Patriarchy)