Letter B

Yeeeoooowch!

Hey! I think I know what would be worse than going through two root canals without novocaine! It would have to be sitting down with Oprah Winfrey on live tv as she tore me a million tiny new a**holes. Oh man.

One of the perks of being home with the lad is that I got to watch this show where James Frey bowed down to the wrath of Oprah. It was excruciating. At one point I had to turn it off because it was too painful to watch him verbally squirm and try to salvage one little shred of self-respect. Oh, but you know Oprah was not going to let him have it. She was out for blood, people. And her seething minions in the audience were just straining to get a piece of him. Honestly i have never seen anything like it ever on television. I know he deserves it - you can't sup at the book club smorgasbord and not expect a backlash, and if you've lied your a** off in your work of "non-fiction" someone is going to make sure that you get your comeuppance. But what I found rah-ther distasteful is that Oprah does not see her role in this at all. She is the pioneer of mass-exploitation of the redemption story. She has built an empire from having everyday people telling the most horrific and distressing events of their lives on TV so that we can "learn" from their stories. She, and all her ilk, have always had to up the ante on the sordid details in order to keep people interested. Her book list is filled with titles, fiction and non-, dealing with incest, drug abuse, rape, suicide, child murder, child exploitation etc etc. And she sits there, shocked, that an author might make crap up to get his book to sell to exactly the monster audience she has created. What a coincidence. Um, yeah, make the connection, Oprah.

He is Great

Dear God,

Thank You for sending the toy stroller into our lives. Thank You, thank You, thank You. Today Lowell played with it for almost 2 hours straight (not including the snack break). Our downstairs neighbors do not thank You, in fact, I distinctly heard them take Your name in vain a few times this afternoon. Please forgive them. Also, thank You for creating Jan Brett, Leslie Patricelli and Dr. Seuss. They make my life worth living some days. Now if You could please get someone to invent baby Ambien I would be eternally grateful and ever more in Your debt.

Your humble servant,
Alana

Today 'B' Stands for Block

I have blogger-block. I have been trying to come up with a halfway-decent entry for a few days but when I try there is no there there. I am supremely distracted by certain events in our life that I will be sharing with you as they become more tangible (what a tease i am, no?) but having some Big Thing To Do usually makes me more able to write. Nothing is a better procrastination tool than blabbing about some nonsense here. Except possibly crochet. Or cleaning my desk. I also have been struck with some pretty fierce insomnia lately (oh, the cruel irony - now that the baby is sleeping well I am unable to take advantage of it) which usually also results in blogging in the wee hours. But, as I say, I sit down and nothing comes out. Last night I asked my spouse for some help - "Give me a subject, a theme, something please!" He just rolled over and mumbled something about our suffering s*x life and then started to snore. So I just flicked on David Letterman and watched Vanderjagt kick that lousy 42-yarder when it didn't count. Do you see a theme here? Yeah, me neither. I guess I am just posting this so you'll know (all 4 of you, hi mom) that I am alive, I am somewhat well if a little cranky and groggy. The boy is exceptionally well and his favorite word these days is "Hanukkah." He also is in love with "The Foot Book" and demands me to read it over and over and over again. If I refuse there is much wailing, ululation and throwing oneself to the floor. Here is a recent picture for you. He is growing like the proverbial weed. The end. Feh.

lowell at toddlernation dot com

I swear to God, Lowell must have an email account. He must have some Brio BlackBerry hidden in there amongst the plush and the blocks. Why? Because somehow he is reading the BabyCenter "Your Toddler this Week" emails i signed up for and adjusting his behavior accordingly.

Exhibit A:
"Even the most mild-mannered 13-month-olds will experiment with ... how shall we say it? ... undesirable behavior. If your normally happy-go-lucky toddler suddenly starts screaming, yelling, biting, and hitting, you can take some solace in knowing that his development is right on track."

Exhibit B:

Check, check, check and check! This has been a rather trying couple of days because not only have we had much gastrointestinal horror we have also been subject to some, how shall we say it? ...glorious f*cking tantrums. (I swear to god if that kid bites me one more time... breathe, breathe, remain in the adult ego state...). Ahem.  But thank god he's on track. Yes. Because heaven knows I wouldn't want this to be the one stupid milestone that might be at least a month or two delayed. Or even a week. Honey, Lowell, are you reading this? This is a case where regression would be totally fine.

p.s. It's the last day of International De-lurking Week and I feel remiss that I have not yet done my part. Ordinarily I would never ask people to comment (i prefer you to be moved to do so by my sparkling prose and scruffy charm) but since it's, like, a movement and all, and since it would defintely help cheer me up after a kind of rough week (*sniff*) I would love it if those of you who have been reading but have not really commented would say stop in and say hello. Or even those of you that found me by Googling chris+klein+nipple+piercing. Thanks!

Quarantined

A pestilence has fallen on our apartment. First Lowell, then me, and now Matthew has taken to the sickbed. This is a foul plague, gastrointestinal in nature, and with diabolical staying power. So I apologize for not updating for awhile. The last week I have been either toting my poor sick monkey, comatose, writhing in pain, or hawking family heirlooms for more pedialyte. Since i am severely depleted and really have nothing to say why don't you stop by the MSU ASL browser? I came across it looking for baby signing resources (oh yeah, i'm one of them) and now it's my latest obsession. Don't you want to know how to sign "Taco Bell"?

Happy New Year!

Okay, i'm a little late but i'm still recovering from our raging New Year's (and by raging i mean that my post-breastfeeding self had more than 2 drinks! I had 3 and then went to bed! Whoohoo!). My resolutions this year are the following in no particular order:

• Hire a maid.
• Hire a nanny.
• Hire a cook.
• Find someone to do workouts for me that will tame my out of control a**.
• Get some fire and ambition.
• Start learning my son to make me bloody marys like Emma Thompson's five-year-old does.

There are a few other goals like find a new place to live and figure out some sort of gainful employment but they are minor. I also would like to fit in reading waaaay more trashy magazines but really, who has the time? And get cable so we can watch more TV. (It's goddamn un-patriotic how little TV we watch. NSA's gonna tap our phones if we don't start watching CNN and TBS pronto. And ESPN. How I covet thee. I must be the only wife on the planet begging her husband to get cable so we can watch more sports). I also solemnly promise to get my hair cut in 2006. I made it all the way through 2005 without so much as a trim. I really have a problem. I think it's a combination of being non-committal and hating change as well as fear of finding nothing to chat about with my hairstylist. That and the inevitable chiding he/she will give me for my hideous box coloring. And that i will have to pay many, many dollars to go through this hell. I seriously have more fun at the dentist's. What else? Must take more pictures of Lowell. I don't think that the 3 dozen a week we're currently taking is enough to document his every changing cell (you think i'm kidding don't you?). And more video. And more obsessing over him in this blog. Okay! I think my work is done here. Good luck to you, Gentle Reader, on your resolutions for 2006.