Letter B

Sheared

Right before Willa was born I posted a bit about how out of control my hair was. Fast forward nine months later I still hadn't gotten it cut. (It's not a phobia, it's just I have become a sloth when it comes to personal grooming that involves planning and expense.) Finally my friend Emily made an appointment for me because she was tired of hanging out with a Yeti. Anyway, to cut a long story short, (Ha! See what I did there?) I got butched! Okay, I know it's technically a long haircut but I have hair dysmorphia so it looks and feels extremely short to me. Here is the before pic , you'll see what I mean. Dramatic difference. I am happy with it, which is nice. Honestly I could not have come out of there looking worse so the whole thing was pretty low risk. The best thing is that it's over and I don't have to do it for another 3 years. Kidding stylist Dave! Six weeks, bro, six weeks.

Oh, Hai.

It's funny. As soon as I declared a blog hiatus I suddenly thought of all these things I wanted to write about, none of which were my depression. But it isn't polite to be all "Oh my God, you guys, I am soooooo depressed!" and then not follow up on it. So let me just first say I am feeling better. Not 100% better (pretty sure pharmaceuticals will be in order for that) but I am actually able to sit here and type something instead of just staring into space and/or sobbing at my computer so, yes, definitely better. Secondly, I would like to express my gratitude. A lot of you, readers and friends, emailed, called, stopped me on the street, etc. to offer your support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it and how much it helped. And to those who silently thought a good thought for me, thank you. I felt the vibes.

Back to pharmaceuticals. I have to say this was one of the worst bouts of depression I have ever had. I won't go into detail (it's been hard enough to have that last post out there in the world, honestly, I feel very vulnerable talking about this stuff) but it was long and it was deep. The worst thing for me when I am depressed, worse than the pain or despair, is the complete inability to feel joy or happiness. I can recognize the things that should be making me feel good and I can go through the motions but the feeling just does not register. It's like putting a ripe piece of fruit in your mouth and tasting nothing but dust. I am not in that place anymore, I can taste the fruit again, but I really don't ever want to go back. The problem is that I don't seem to have control over that. Even after after extended periods of feeling normal I am still periodically experiencing lows that all my years of very good therapy haven't given me the tools to handle. So, I am pretty sure I am going to give medication a try. I am not expecting a miracle, just some relief so I can cope. I am not sure if I am going to continue to write about this but I am glad to share since I really think that the more people are open about depression the more it destigmatizes the condition. But for now I'm just relieved I can go back to writing about crappy magazines and cute things my kid says.

Anyone See This Coming?

I haven't been able to post much these days for a few reasons:

1. No energy and little time. That's a big one.
2. Writer's block and performance anxiety that is no doubt related to:
3. A nice bout of debilitating depression.

It's hard to even write this because in general I try not to write about blogging on my blog (not because I am not interested in the subject but mainly because when I do it I sound even more self-absorbed than normal). I also try not to reveal too much about my ongoing struggles with depression and anxiety.  It's something that I am pretty private about in real life and my friends and family read this blog. I don't think it's fair to drop bombs here that they then have to ignore because I don't want to talk about it. In general, if it's something I don't want to have a face-to-face conversation about I won't post it on my blog. But I feel like I have to say something about it because if I don't I will just have to pack it in and quit writing here altogether. And I don't want to do that (and not just because I already paid the credit card bill that included my BlogHer registration fee). So here goes: Hi, I'm Alana, and often I'm unable to cope.

I am going to try and just take the pressure off myself a little and call an official hiatus.  As soon as this passes I will be posting again regularly (and I know from my history that this will indeed pass). Twittering will still be happening but I hope to stay pretty far away from my computer until I feel better. I am going to close comments on this post because I don't want to obsess about it anymore and checking back will make me do that. I do love and appreciate all the kind emails and comments I've gotten over the last couple months - you all are terrific and have been a wonderful source of support. Thank you.